Bottom Line: Bad kitty! This is the kind of stuff you’re supposed to do in your litter box!

“Oh, my bad!” –Halle Berry as Catwoman

Directed by: Pitof
Starring: Benjamin Bratt, Halle Berry, Sharon Stone

Unintentionally ameowsing BATMAN spinoff narrates about Patience Phillips (Halle Berry), a designer for beauty product ads. Upon being caught snooping around a production factory and listening in on plans, she is murdered when her despicable boss’s wife flushes out the pipes through which she is trying to escape. Outside, she is revived by Midnight, an Egyptian Mau kitty who visited her home and had an inherited ability to predict her death. With her new nine lives, Patience becomes a “catwoman” (a term which, according to the film, traces back to Ancient Egypt, not Bob Kane) and seeks revenge on her killer.

I find it sad the original story the character was told with in 1992’s BATMAN RETURNS (unless you go all the way back to 1966’s TV spinoff BATMAN: THE MOVIE) is absolutely shot down for this 2004 litter box of a movie. Instead, we have a premise like the one you would find watching ultra-violent superhero flick THE CROW: protagonist is murdered by antagonist, protagonist is revived by animal, protagonist seeks disguise with an identity named after that animal, protagonist goes out and makes every attempt to kill antagonist. The idea was great in that film, and it could have been here, had there not been a few major failures.

The music, for one, is excruciating. From this movie, we can draw a lesson that should have already been obvious: never use modern R&B music as a soundtrack for an action movie. It seems sometimes these people forget what kind of a genre they’re working with. In the love scenes, we hear the naturally slow R&B music. At least it gets faster and heavier when the action sequences come, but there’s no way I can give credit to such a distraction. Another quality that ruins the action sequences is the dialogue. We have the classic “you thought that was a purrrrr-fect idea” quote that has been around since the character’s creation, but Halle Berry looks like an impersonator rather than the actual character when she delivers the line. Furthermore, you know you’ve been cinematically screwed when you hear this: “Game over.” “Guess what? It’s overtime!”

I give CATWOMAN points for being (at best) an ostentatious display of Halle Berry. She wasn’t a good actor when it comes to this role, and I know I should be giving this movie a failing grade, but her beauty was what kept me awake. If you’re not into Halle Berry (or even if you are), just skip this one. It’s thoroughly pointless and predictable (which surprises me, because I’m terrible as predicting films).



4 thoughts on “Catwoman

    • I don’t even know why I decided to watch it, either. I guess I wanted to have seen every live action Batman movie (and now I have, so far), but this wasn’t Batman at all. The only character in common was the title character herself, and her background was NOTHING like the Michelle Pfeiffer character from 12 years before.

    • I actually didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would. Had it been anyone but Halle Berry, I would have given it an F. Maybe a generous D-. I think the only superhero movies I’ve seen thus far that I would give F’s are Green Lantern, Batman and Robin, and Howard the Duck. Except Howard the Duck was so terrible that it was a sufficient source of entertainment, so my Flixster grade may have actually been one star (D-) rather than half a star (F).

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