John Carter

Bottom Line: John Carter is frivolous fun.

Directed by: Andrew Stanton
Starring: Daryl Sabara, Lynn Collins, Taylor Kitsch, Willem Dafoe

As I was a bit nonplussed by how downright absurd Disney’s John Carter was, I’ve decided to reciprocate in an equally bizarre fashion: writing my review as a stream of limericks.

At one point, Walt Disney seemed smarter
Than Fox or the brothers named Warner;
But they had to grow dark
And kill off all their spark–
Most recent example: John Carter.

John Carter is much about looks.

Our hero, a Martian from Earth,
Is nicknamed by his place of birth;
Then he pursues a girl,
A princess of that world,
Our faces all light up with mirth.

Drop Dances with Wolves in a blender,
Mince Star Wars into a pretender,
Then you blend with a hint
Of The Fifth Element
Your result is this shallow contender.

However, the film is exciting.
With popcorn, it’s greatly delighting.
It is such fun pleasure
(Leave IQ unmeasured)
Even if it needs much better writing.

Though based on a series of books,
It’s colorful style that hooks;
And to this, all regards
Are thus paid from the start:
John Carter is much about looks.

The visuals are carefully done.
With chroma and shape do they run.
Though a trifling schlock
With clichés in a flock,
John Carter is frivolous fun.


Best “Worst Movie”


11 thoughts on “John Carter

  1. Cute idea. When I read “faces all light up with mirth“., “the film is exciting“, “greatly delighting”, “colorful style that hooks”, “frivolous fun”, I was expecting an A,. This review sounds really positive. The I saw the C. Ouch!

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