Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Day Two of the Two-Week Torturefest

NEVER.

justin_bieber_never_say_never

Directed by: Jon M. Chu
Featuring: Justin Bieber
Also Featuring: Boyz II Men, Hayden Thompson, Jaden Smith, Jeremy Bieber, L.A. Reid, Ludacris, Miley Cyrus, Scooter Braun, Scrappy Stassen, Sean Kingston, Snoop Dogg, Usher

Distributed by Paramount Pictures on February 11, 2011. Produced in English by the United States. Runs 105 minutes. Rated G by the MPAA.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never was watched on December 27, 2012.

“I hate this.” –Justin Bieber at the dentist

If I could leave it at that, I could. It’s quite impressive that a review for Justin Bieber: Never Say Never could be as easy as taking footage of Justin Bieber saying he hates being at the dentist, and using it to describe my entire experience. The only problem with that is the presence of Justin Bieber, and his voice, would make my blog crash.

Why yes, I am a “non-Belieber,” if that’s how Justin’s fans know his nonfans. This was the fourth film I watched in the Two-Week Torturefest, and although considered by most critics to be the most acceptable on the list, I wouldn’t be surprised if it remained the most faithful to the word “torture.”

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never makes fame seem easy to attain. Easy. If it were this easy, newspapers would have to be issued three times a day, and they’d be at least ten times the size, because everyone putting the most infinitesimal effort forth would be just as famous. I shudder at the thought of a million Justinites, before realizing that there are—somehow—millions of them all over the place.

The film makes a gem out of the fact that not only is Justin Bieber an illegitimate child (the key word in this sentence being illegitimate, but he is indeed about as obnoxious as a young child); features Miley Cyrus in skimpy clothing (now you really have to wonder if this is promoting prostitution, and if so, why is the film G-rated?); and that his mother (who smiles as she explains that she broke up with Justin’s father just months after he was born) was the one who essentially brought him to fame.

Not to insult you, Justin’s Mommy, but you’re hating against your own son for being an “accident,” appropriating him with one of the most controversial celebrities in recent years, and making a big deal out of that he is a “Mommy’s boy.” When he was around twelve or thirteen years old, she loved his voice (as all mothers do when they notice a talent the child herself cannot notice…yes I wrote “herself”) and decided to pass it around YouTube. Whaddaya know, it gets discovered by a guy named Scooter Braun.

I’m beginning to feel bad for Canada. They have dozens of talented people like James Cameron and Avril Lavigne, robbed of fame by an average joe like Justin Bieber. He’s sixteen years old in the documentary (which must mean he’s nineteen now…I think I miscalculated somewhere). Has he hit puberty yet? It appears not. Why does everybody love him? To tell you the truth, those sixteen-year-old girls actually sounded like they were hired to say stupid, clichéd love quotes to a guy (I think) who brainwashes innocent nine-and-under audiences into lovesick diva wannabes.

America has been corrupted. Next thing we know, he’ll be turning the American flag white and purple. Okay, now it’s beginning to sound like propaganda, which, even as a diehard “non-Belieber,” was not my intent. In all seriousness, I’m contemplating posting something on YouTube. Maybe I’ll get discovered from a knitting how-to, even though I have absolutely no clue how to knit (and I’d rather not learn, for that matter). Maybe I’d become for the knitting industry, what a shrill, falsetto-redundant “singer” like Justin Bieber is for the music industry.

F

Xanadu – the one excuse for putting big band music and roller skating together in one movie

This review was brought to you by…
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23 thoughts on “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

  1. Hahaha I’m not a non-belieber but also not a die hard belieber – but really, that was the best!! XD Really though, good job going through this and coming out alive, as well as accurately reviewing it. 🙂

    • I’m glad you can at least show sympathy for him. That takes some guts. 🙂 I can’t and won’t though simply because I find him downright annoying. There’s a very disturbing comparison between Bieber and the Beatles in this film that should have been deemed too unholy to be seen–by anybody.

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