Day Ten of the Two-Week Torturefest
If “Dunkauccino” sounds more like “Al Pacino” than “cappuccino”, then “Jack and Jill” must be something of a crappuccino.
Directed by: Dennis Dugan
Written by: Steve Koren and Adam Sandler & Ben Zook
Jack: Adam Sandler
Jill: Adam Sandler
Also Starring: Al Pacino, Elodie Tougne, Katie Holmes, Rohan Chand
Distributed by Columbia Pictures on November 11, 2011. Produced in English by the United States. Runs 91 minutes. Rated PG by the MPAA–scatological humor, profanity, violence, infrequent smoking.
Jack and Jill was watched on January 15, 2013.
“Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.”
I wish I could fall down a hill after this awful experience. Jack and Jill is truly excruciating torture. If you can imagine receiving fixation from the electric chair and the cat o’ nine tails simultaneously, perhaps you can picture some of what I was going through as I sat on the couch and endured this madness. I kept checking the time, but none of it would stop. It’s like having a nightmare, all alone, no one around to wake you up. Then, after an hour and a half that feels at least three times as long, the credits arrived. I could have very well been in a cold sweat at that point, but I couldn’t resist shouting “Hallelujah!” as I rejoiced that it was finally over.
Adam Sandler does possess talent with humor. His films rarely present an unpredictable story or any humor that we haven’t seen before in some permutation, but they’re often fun to watch. Happy Gilmore. Billy Madison. 50 First Dates. Just Go with It. Four right off the top of my head.
Unfortunately, Jack and Jill couldn’t do anything off the top of its head, even if it tried. Because Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after. And then, shortly after all humor was lost in a flow of hemorrhage from the two poor little heads, Adam Sandler made it into an endlessly obnoxious movie.
What’s incredibly sad about Jack and Jill is that it claims to be a family movie. The recurring “joke” (or one of two or three that just recycles itself as if it was funny the first time it appeared) is that Jill has not a clue about the term “PC.” This stands for both “personal computer” and “politically correct,” and she shows an idiotic lack of knowledge in both scenarios, but I refer mostly to the latter.
Jill is a racist. She comes over, claims she’ll stay for four days, ends up staying forever, and while she’s at it, takes every chance she finds to make fun of other religions and ethnicities. She’s Jewish, too, which leads to her catch phrase: “That sounds anti-Semitic!” Try looping that in your mind as a falsetto screamed at the top of Sandler’s lungs, just as the rest of Jill’s dialogue is.
Jack and Jill takes a brave risk trying to appeal to parents. One or two jokes come close to well-written, but even they are difficult to merely chuckle at, when lost in a sea of inaccurate stereotypes, screaming, more dumb attempts at comedy, and all these repeated again and again and again. And again.
The best part comes at the end. If you’ve tried to watch the film yourself, I know. You’re surprised I lasted so long. Al Pacino must not have enjoyed being in the film. At all. In this final scene, Jack plays him the hideous Dunkin’ Donuts commercial that stars Pacino as the Dunkaccino (I actually thought Dunkaccino sounded more like cappuccino than it did Al Pacino, but I may be wrong). Al Pacino’s response: “Burn it.” He asks for Jack to confiscate every copy worldwide and burn it.
I was certain of one thing: Pacino wasn’t at all talking about the commercial. He wanted to burn something else. If only he had warned me before I had wasted my time with it.
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