Justin Bieber’s Believe

Movie Review #754

justin_biebers_believe

Directed by Jon M. Chu. Written by Sarah Landman. Produced by Justin Bieber, Scooter Braun, Stuart Ford, Garrett Grant, Bill O’Dowd, and Usher Raymond for Bieber Time Films and Scooter Braun Films, presented by Dolphin Films. Starring Justin Bieber, Scooter Braun, Usher Raymond, Will i Am, Ellen DeGeneres, Ryan Seacrest, Jon M. Chu, Nicki Minaj, Big Sean, Matt Lauer, Zach Galifianakis, Miles Brown, and Ludacris. Distributed by Open Road Films in wide release on December 25, 2013. Rated PG: brief language and mild thematic material. Runs 92 minutes.

Cinemaniac Reviews one star

Justin Bieber didn’t like Christmas this past year.  When it opened on December 25th, his new documentary “Justin Bieber’s Believe” only grossed $1.25 million.  Poor Justin began to wonder why people were going to see films with interesting titles like “The Wolf of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” instead.  He wondered who such oddly named people like Bradley Cooper, Amy Adams, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Jonah Hill were, and what a “Scorsese” was (in fact, he looked that one up in the dictionary multiple times but kept finding nothing).  He began to feel unpopular compared to them, all of a sudden.  Don’t you just feel bad for Justin?  I don’t, but anyway, Justin decided he had a way of bringing his new movie to fame, because there was one place where he would always be famous: Twitter.  So Justin sent out tweet after tweet, and in the end, what he had written seemed to flow like a poem, or rather, as a parody of “Sympathy for the Devil” by the Rolling Stones, a much better artist he had serendipitously discovered while he was looking through his grandmother’s collection of giant, black frisbees that she called “LP records.”

It turns out that Justin Bieber has this illusion that he’s e e cummings.  If we can draw anything from his songs, we know for sure that he’s not even a poet.  Alas, he tries.  And now, without further ado, I give you, Justin Bieber’s Twitter parody of “Sympathy for the Devil”:

pls allow me 2 introduce myself:

im a kid of wealth, not taste.

ive been around for way too long,

and a documentaryman just filmed my face

its called “believe” ‘cause im jesus christ,

but beware: the movie will cause pain.

i made sure the director jon m. chu

only had fluffy comments 2 make.

(next 4 lines is the chorus, girl)

pleased 2 meet u!

hope u guess my name!

beliebe in me, and ill

have ur money and my fame

i stuck around for 90 minutes

2 cause yall unendurable pain.

but girl, this movie feels like its twice that long,

‘cause my voice sounds like a rusty weathervane.

i squeal and screech

on the surround sound

and if u hate my voice

yall be haters, girl

(next 4 lines is the chorus, girl)

pleased 2 meet u!

hope u guess my name! hey, girl.

yeah, whats torturing u

is the kid who bears my name, yeah girl.

i watch with glee

as u watch my movie

whether u love or u hate, girl,

who cares? my money’s made!

peeps in my movie say

that im a good role model.

‘cause after all, they get paid to say

good stuff about me.

yall, imma introduce myself,

im a kid of wealth, not taste

a month after discovering that i’d been born,

this guy shot himself…his names Kurt Cobain.

(next 8 lines is the chorus, girl)

pleased 2 meet u, girl

love u, girl, or madam, or dame.

girl, u know true propaganda

is this film about my fame.

so gimme ur copy, girl,

and let me sign my name

girl, i love you, girl,

and girl, i wish you’d say the same.

im like elvis in u.s.america

and those beatles in the u.k.

except im canadian, and canadians call me “lucifer”

girl, so does the u.s.a.

so if u meet me, please beliebe in me

please don’t punch my precious face

use my well-intentioned documentary

as reason to love my gorgeous face.

(next 4 lines is the chorus, girl)

pleased 2 meet u!

justin is my name,

“believe” is full of glorifying

lies and that’s why it was made.

(songs over, girl)

– Alexander Diminiano

NOTE: For the sake of this not becoming a legal issue, I’m just going to state the obvious: Justin Bieber did not write this.  I wrote this as if it were written by Justin Bieber.  Again, me saying that is kind of like putting a “do not attempt” at the bottom of the screen in a car commercial.

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7 thoughts on “Justin Bieber’s Believe

    • Don’t be ashamed to say that you’re Canadian until we can prove that Justin Bieber isn’t an Asian changeling born to curse us all. Doubtful, but I’d rather live my life believing that than believing he lives just above me.

  1. That parody is absolutely smacked on about everything that little shit is all about. He’s just a fad whose 15 minutes are about to be up very, very, very soon and I hope he goes back to Canada where he’ll get his ass kicked by fans of Arcade Fire and Rush for bringing disgrace to Canada. Hell, I bet Canada would like to adopt Shawn Michaels instead of praising Bieber.

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