Movie Review #947
|Nationwide release on January 30, 2015. Thriller. This film is rated R for sexual content, nudity, bloody violence, language and some drug use. Runs 108 minutes. A Belgian-American co-production. Directed by Erik Van Looy. Screenplay and story by Bart De Pauw. Screenplay by Wesley Strick. Cast: Karl Urban, James Marsden, Wentworth Miller, Eric Stonestreet, Matthias Schoenaerts, Isabel Lucas, Rachael Taylor, Rhona Mitra, Valerie Cruz, Kali Rocha, Elaine Cassidy, and Margarita Levieva.|
THIS CALLS FOR A SIMPSONS QUOTE: “SMITHERS, TAKE MY HANDS AND CLAP THEM SARCASTICALLY.”
By Alexander Diminiano
To classify this idiocy as a movie is a major league insult to real movies with real directors who put real efforts into making their movie because they have real passion for their craft, which is not just filmmaking, but real filmmaking. And no, I’m not trying to pun tirelessly on the word “real” because “reel” is a cinematic term. If that was the point, then I’d write slogans for companies that claim to be the next Redbox. I don’t write slogans. I write movie reviews, and I’m hammering down that word “real” simply because “The Loft” isn’t.
Maybe if you’re someone who considers silk roses to be real because they’re real silk, then you’ll consider “The Loft” a real movie simply because you can watch it in a real movie theater. I feel bad for Open Road Films for being the one to raise its hand and offer to distribute “The Loft”. Just so everybody knows, I work at a Cinemark theater, not a Regal theater, and not an AMC theater. I don’t want anybody thinking I work at AMC or Regal, because AMC and Regal co-own Open Road Films, and are therefore in some way responsible for contaminating the public with “The Loft”. I have nothing to do with “The Loft”, other than the fact that I saw it, and the fact that I almost fell asleep in the movie theater. Now I’ve never fallen asleep in a movie theater, but I came so close watching “The Loft”. My eyelids closed for about thirty seconds, and then all of a sudden my head naturally jolted forward and I was awake for the next two hours. It was like my brain was trying to tell me that I needed to watch the rest of this movie, except I still don’t see any logic in doing that.
“The Loft” is a movie I could have really done without seeing. Not only is it boring, it’s misogynous, dumb, and brutally confusing. I love nonlinear stories, but only if they make sense. If the point is just to tell events out of order because the writer thinks that’s fun, then there’s no point, because the writer is a bleeding idiot who is so separate from a human being that he doesn’t even know what fun is, or how to write good dialogue. Believe me when I say that that writer is Wesley Strick. He has the “Cape Fear” remake on his resume, and I just wish he still knew how to write a remake. Though what’s more unfortunate is that “The Loft” was helmed by the same guy who directed the original Belgian movie.
I’m led to believe, now, that the original sucked, too. I just wonder how such an interesting story could have turned into such a shitty movie, twice. Basically, there’s five guys, all married, all cheating on their wives in a loft that only they know about. One day, they come up to the loft and discover a dead body. They know one of them had to have done it, because nobody else knows about the loft. But who cares who did it? I mean, first of all, the narrative can’t continue the intrigue of the story, which is amazing in the sorriest of ways. And second, these characters are evil, cruel, misogynistic bastards who clearly only care about themselves. They lie to the authorities because they know it’ll save their friends. Actually, that’s just what they claim. Really, they’re lying to cover their asses. At any time, I could have shouted, “Throw them in jail and end the movie!” And for the love of God, why didn’t they?